This blog has been all about job talk, so I feel odd changing the channel. But here it is.
I've been in a relationship for over a year now. It's a good one. It helps confirm that leaving two-bit-town academia was the right thing to do. I'm better with him than I am without him.
But.
Why is there always a but?
He's an alcoholic.
I've googled this to death and I can see no good resolution. I want to find some iota of advice online that tells me how to stick with it, how to keep the good without drowning in the bad. I can't find any. Everything I read tells me to run for the hills.
Alcoholism is only one thing about him. There are so many more things. He's sweet, he's kind, he's loving, he's smart. He's a great companion. He makes me happy.
Except when I wake up in the morning to find him drinking and drunk. That's not okay. I can't handle that.
Is it a deal breaker? Part of me says yes. Part of me says no -- or wants to say no. A big part of me wants to figure out how I can learn to roll with it so it doesn't kill us. That part is putting the guilt on me for not dealing with it well -- and I know that guilt is classic in alcoholic relationships. I don't deserve that guilt.
But if it's what I have to live with to be with him?
I'm not a teatotaler. I drink. I drink more than I should. I drink WAY less than him. Guilt also comes in there though. I drink, so who am I to say he shouldn't. I drink with him. I drink more than I should. I sometimes get tipsy. I have fun with him when we're both drinking. But then I stop drinking. He keeps going (and going, and going). I feel guilty for drinking with him. I feel guilty for not being understanding enough. I feel guilty for not being good enough. I feel sad that I'm not more important to him than the booze. I feel angry that he won't do anything about it.
I want this to work out. We've got such a good thing going. Alcohol is the ONLY thing coming between us. Other than that, we're great together. We get each other. We belong together.
...but I CAN'T deal with him drunk in the morning.
What do I do, dear internet?
