Saturday, July 20, 2013

Week 1: Report

So, now I'm a professor.

I've spent a week as a professor. I want to track this experience, so that when I'm looking back and deciding if I want to continue to pursue the professor route, I'll have a clear picture of it all.  And of course, for my couple of followers out there in the big wide world.

Well, there's certainly no catering going on. I remarked before how the other university I interviewed with catered me on a whole different level. I don't know how it would have been for me if I were starting there, but I suspect it would have been different. Here?  Nothing. I basically went to work. The secretary gave me keys to my office. That's about it. I've been working alone in my office for the week.

The difference between now and a few weeks ago?  Location (for the worse), focus of my energies (building courses instead of writing papers), the employee benefits (much better)... that's it. I'm still working alone in a little office. That'll change though, as the other staff comes back from vacation and, of course, when the students flood in.

Another difference is that there's nobody looking over my shoulder. I guess that's the "academic independence" thing. I mean, I have a boss, but it seems she'll only chime in at the very end, when they decide whether I did well enough to keep on staff or not. In the meantime, I am on my own. Sink or swim. I have wanted this for a long time, but it's still kinda frightening.

It did feel odd to walk into the professors' lounge.  Even if I didn't actually talk to anyone (it was empty), walking into it and knowing I'm entitled to walk into it because I am a professor... kinda fun.  Just walking the hallways too... there is something different about it. Walking around campus as a student and walking around campus as a professor, it just feels different. In a good way. I think.

If I allow myself to, I can feel very overwhelmed about the amount of work I have to do in the next month. It is a lot. And I'm completely on my own. I hope I can do this, but I just don't know.


Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Adding insult to injury

As I try to settle in to this two-horse town, strongly feeling, knowing??, that it was a wrong decision, an interesting job offer just appeared back in my old city.

Not just any job offer. It's the one I interviewed for in the winter -- the one that I didn't get strictly due to timing, they said. They needed me to start immediately, but I needed a couple months to finish what I was doing. Now, that position is open again.

It's the pretty job, one that makes me very excited, but that is NOT in academia. It's the very same job that, combined with the one I moved here for, caused me to start this blog. The whole debate that was wearing on me - academia or corporate... it's the corporate job. I would love to have done that job for a few years, then maybe (maybe) apply for an academic one down the road.

Part of me wants to apply for this job now.  Did they call me and find my number disconnected? Did they mean it when they said they'd keep me on file? Did they mean it when they said it was just a timing thing, or were they talking out of their be-hinds? Would they hire me? Would they pay for my move back home?? How much would it cost me to bail on this job at the last minute?

But I'm already here. I have to give it a shot. Right? (Wrong?)

Ugh. Just ugh.


Sunday, July 7, 2013

A City Girl in a Two-Horse Town

I've made the move - what feels like the ultimate sacrifice for academia.  I am now a city girl residing in a two-horse town. It's an abandoned wasteland, really. At any moment of any day, when ever I look around, I am constantly shocked by how few people there are, by how many empty storefronts/buildings/units there are...   You know when you're on the very outskirts of the city, in a semi-city, semi-industrial area that isn't fully developed and has lots of empty space?  That's what it feels like everywhere here. All. The. Time.

Then, I see a few of the people I was missing. And again, I sigh.  It seems that in this town, "high fashion" is to be dirty, ragged, and obese, while thinking you're a 19 year old model.  I've never seen such raggy people in my life. I've never seen so many stained gray sweats in my life. Unkempt hair. Unshaven faces. Waistlines that surpassed "bulge" a good 150 lbs ago. Each of these issues on their own is not the end of the world, but when you put them all together... and dress it in short shorts and a skin-tight tank top... YUK. 

I've also never seen so many bargain shops in my life. Now, don't get me wrong, I love a bargain as much as the next guy. But the clearance rack at a dirty discount store is not exactly what I aspire to.  Apparently it's the locals' idea of the ultimate shopping experience.

Every time I walk outside, I feel nauseated. Every. Single. Time. I try to seek out what passes for high class in this city. Starbucks. That's about it so far. 

In this time of discovery of this dirty new world around me, one thing gives me solace. Oddly, it's the one thing that terrifies me most and that I had been avoiding: work. I'm terrified of this new professor position. I'm afraid I will fail. I'm overwhelmed by the textbooks full of material that I have a shaky hold on at best. But, when I settle down and start to develop one of my courses, I lose myself in it, and I feel myself again.  I forget the grime that surrounds me and rediscover my love for my little (but quickly broadening) corner of academia.  I am ME.

This, of course, does not bode well for my development of a social life. It does, though, hold promise for my professional development in the year to come.

Yes, year. Not years.  This is a time-limited endeavor, y'all. This city girl won't last long in Grimeville.