The Good :
- I like working with young adults. I really like the age and the life stage.
- I've rediscovered some of the material that initially made me fall in love with my discipline.
- I like the independence, no boss lurking behind me and making sure I'm doing it his way.
- I actually do enjoy teaching - although tempered by the knowledge that my courses are all rough drafts at this time.
- This city is an absolute shithole. Excuse my vulgarity, dear Internet, but there's really no other way to say it.
- It's too much work. Completely overwhelming. The course load is nuts. I'm too old to work this hard.
- Courses are on 2 and 3 year rotation, so I would have brand new courses for semesters to come.
- I miss research.
- Of course, the kicker from the beginning, it's a contract position, so I have no life stability and don't know where I'll be in a year.
What do I want?? I guess I want to keep The Good and minimize The Bad. But do I have to eliminate all of the bad?
As I've mentioned, this is a second career for me. I'm older than the average person in this position and age is playing a role. As I've mulled the situation over though, I realize I am willing to compromise. I will not go as far in this discipline as I would have if this were my first career and I were a good decade younger. I can accept that. But what does it mean, practically speaking? I guess it means I can (should) be more flexible on my Good and Bad list - be willing to give up some of the good to eliminate the worst of the bad, or deal with some of the bad to keep some of the good.
What am I willing to settle on? I can see two directions from here.
1. I leave academia and settle by taking a nice job outside of academia that uses my skills. I would lose the flexibility, the "prestige" within academia (which technically I don't care about, but I will be harshly judged by academics), the academic freedom and some of the respect I get with it. I would basically lose all of The Good. I could eliminate much of the bad though - the ridiculous course load, the instability, the shitville residence, and if I play my cards right, the lack of research (although it wouldn't be independent research - I'd be serving someone else's will). And, once I leave academia, it's virtually impossible to get back in.
2. I find a stable academic job in a small university, where I can be stable more quickly than a big one, and settle into a predominantly teaching position with minimal research requirements. What do I keep? All of The Good. What can I possibly eliminate in The Bad? A) City. I might be able to swing something a little better than where I am now, but not a lot (can't get much worse). I won't be living where I want to live. B) Contract position: I will not apply for any more contract positions; tenure track or bust. C) Workload: small universities will have high workloads, but it doesn't have to be as bad as it is here, with the 2-3 year rotation on courses. Some of the workload can be managed in my own head, too. I need to learn to reject the pressure of it all. Of course, with that rejection, there would be the risk of not getting tenure, which would mean my "stable" job would really just be a five year contract. Am I willing to accept that? I don't know.
The biggest sore point in option 1 are losing freedom, working under someone else's orders, and the permanence of the decision. In option B, it's location and the possibility of it being temporary if I reject the intense pressure and insane workload.
What do I do....
For now, I guess I'm applying to a variety of academic jobs and keeping half an eye open for non academic ones. I won't rule out non-academic, but I think it would really have to be an amazing job for me to do it. For academic jobs, I will not accept a job in a city I hate. I will take the time to discover the city. Applying does not mean I have to accept it if it's offered. Submit applications, open doors, see where it goes.
Is it over yet???
