Exhausted... utterly

I'm only a few weeks in and I'm utterly exhausted already.

I work so many hours. I work so many days. But here I am on a Wednesday at home because I just couldn't do it anymore. I had no classes, but holy hell I have a lot to do. The irony is that there's nobody standing over my shoulder or even lurking around the corner assigning it to me. I just have to do it, is all.

I took on too much this month. I recognize that now. But what do I do? It's too late. I have two first-time courses (non-negotiable), manuscripts bouncing back for revision (non-negotiable), two conference presentations (could have avoided, but too late now), two courses to begin preparing for next semester (how long can I put it off without hanging myself in january?), two small grant applications (could have avoided in theory, but if I ever want a tenure track position, non-negotiable), and one job application so far (optional? not really, this is a contract position I'm on).

How does a person do all that?

And non-academic people say to me "you only teach six hours a week? that must be so nice!" Yeah. Piss off.

My stress level was so high this morning I was crawling out of my skin. I just had to bail. I took my textbook out and read it with lunch. Then came home. To work. Yeah. I want to sleep. How do I drag myself to my desk when I want to sleep so badly, and I've got these damned fluffy cats purring their hypnotics right in my ear?

That whole work-life balance thing, I need to figure it out. I'm perfectly happy with work being the focus right now, but there has to be enough life in there or I'm not effective at work.

I would be counting down the weekend, but when you have to work all weekend, what's the point?

So far, so... good?

Well, I haven't tripped and fallen on my face in class, or fainted, or belched, or done any other horribly embarrassing things. So, so far, so good, right?

How does it feel to be teaching again?  I don't know. I was up and down and all over the place this past week. I've had moments of feeling really good, like this is going so well and I am going to love it. I've had moments of feeling depressed and thinking about that non-academic job I was considering. So, I guess I just don't know.

I had sort of forgotten how "switched on" the brain gets when teaching. It's hard to come down afterwards. I don't like the "always on" feeling. I suppose I'll get used to it though. I remember it from my old teaching days long ago, but it didn't seem as disturbing, although I spent a lot more hours in class.

I also have moments of stress about all that I'm "supposed" to be doing. Teaching, yeah, but the whole professor thing - research, community service. I can't seem to get myself geared up to do that at all. I guess that's okay for now since I'm heavily invested in building my courses. Still, though, it's another layer of "always on" that I haven't reached yet.

I don't know, I just don't know.......